Those Things
by Shir0 Tenshi
Summary: My thoughts of what should of happaned in the 'Those Eyes' fanfic posted by Shinigami Kira. My first piece of writing, done in 30 mins. Read and Review :P Warning: Ridiculous attempt at humour. You have been warned.
1. Chapter 1

Hey yall. I'm sure you all recently read a fanfic recently posted under the title of 'Those Eyes'. Well, im also pretty sure 99 of you hated it. Im sure some of you didn't even readi it to the end. So what im proposing to do, is a short summary of what it was really all about. Hope you enjoy.

P.S.- Don't expect good grammar or anything from this.

P.P.S.- I'm pretty sure im gonna burn at the stake for this :\ Oh well.. Don't forget the BBQ sauce:P

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. I have no money. NGE Rules and i do not own it (doh!).

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**Chapter 1** - Something Completely Stupid.

It was another normal day in Japan. The sun was shining, the birds were flying, as were the VOTL's and the Angel was attacking┘ What? This is normal for Tokyo-3. Never mind the fact that noone out of the military knew the Angels were coming back and one of those ever leaked anything to outside the military. Yep.. Giant humanoid beings attacking a city is an everyday occurance these days, though it hasn't happaned in 15 years, so its perfectly normal.

But anyway, I'm with this guy, I think his name is Shinji or something like that. So we're standing next to the train station, well okay, I'm standing, he's in the fetal position sucking his thumb. No wait.. hes ducking for cover. Wonder why. Surely it can't be all these explosions going off around us and all the debries and sharpnel zoning past my head. So why's he doing that? Ah who cares. I'm too badass to get hit my a lousy piece of sharpnel.

A stronger explosion rocks the area drawing my attention, after it had been temporarily diverted to the concrete floor which i had had the pleasure of meeting seconds earlier due to the explison, to a blue haired girl of at least 17. She is wearing the uniform from the local school. But the most remarkable things about her are those eyes, those deep pools of crimson that seem to drill into my very soul. I try to call out to her, but before I can, another explosion forces my head down... to the concrete again with a loud thud. No worries though, my skulls thickness is 20 greater than normal people, which also explains some stuff about my aparent lack of reaction to a warzone going around me. After all, extra thickness means less brain. When I look up again, the girl is gone. Did I imagine her? Well, I can stal- i mean worry about her later. Yeah.. Worry.. Ahem.

The military is out in full force now, and the city defense system has been activated, revealing entire buildings to be standing missile launchers. I'm starting to think that Shinji has the right idea, when a blue sports car, using the most beautiful power slide I've ever seen (what?) stops in front of us with the window down.

"Get in."

Don't need to tell me twice. As I move to the car, yet another blast sends some debris to my previous spot. After reminding myself to get a Playboy Magazine the next chance I get, I notice Shinji is already in the car with the seatbelt on. Damn hes fast. When I get into the car, the driver starts to look at me. I take the time to do the same. She looks to be in her late twenties, with purple hair and brown eyes, my eyes trace lower, towards her clev-

"I'm sorry... But doesn't that hurt?"

I look at her and blink, turning my head to where she was looking, suddently aware of the piece of shaprnel sticking into my shoulder. Ah shit. Gues i should of ducked after all. A very painfull couple of minutes later, the nickle sized sharpnel was out of my shoulder (Which involved a little yanking and some yelping on my part.. Ok.. maybe it was screaming.. and alot of it so what?) and i could finaly relax. I notice shinji snickering in the back seat, but decide not to say anything about it. I also notice misato has this halfgrin shes desperately trying to hide.

"What?" I ask. Misato shakes her head and clears her throat, deciding not to answer. I frown and lean back into the seat. I decide to break the ince and ask for her name.

"Misato, and yours?"

"Jareth Vasquez." I answer.

"Well Mr. crybab- i mean Jareth," She snickers. "Hang on, this will get a little bumpy. You too Shinji!"

"Hai." I hear Shinji answer. My eye twitches. Is this woman for real?

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I should really start wearing a seatbelt, it's generally a good idea when riding with Misato, And i got the bruises to prove it. But anyway, We are currently heading to, as overused as it is, the light at the end of the tunnel. As we finaly reach it i can finaly see-

"Argh! My eyes!" I scream as the light turn out to be a little more bright that i would like. I hear Shinji's gasps of 'Amazing!' and open my watering eyes again. This time i notice that the stupid beam of reflected sunlight is no longer directed at my general position. I can now see the hige underground cave we're descending into. Misato calls it a geofront. I look up again, to the hanging buildings and wonder if its safe to have them hanging from the cieling.

After we descend to the 'ground' of the cave, We get out of the car and into a maze of corridors. I follow behind Misato, noticing Shinji reading a book as we walk. It makes me wish i had bought a Playboy magazine. At least if i died, i'd die a happy man.

We reach yet another gate, but this time misato just slides a card trough a reader and they open, allowing us to go in.

"Well come on Jareth, You're lucky we're understaffed at the moment and don't have anyone to escort you to a shelter, or else you would never be allowed in here."

There's that twitch again.

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'Would the director of project 'E' please locate the chief tactical officer.' I hear a loudspeaker bark across the halls we've been wandering for almost half an hour. I wonder what project 'E' is... I have the feeling we've been in this elevator many times before, mostly due to the fact theres this spider web that keeps stressing me out on the cieling. either all elevators have the exact same spider web on the exact same spot, or this is the same elevator.This time however, when the doors open, this blond bombshell walks in with an open lab coat a turquoise one piece bathing suit underneath. I can't help but stare as she starts ranting. The blond stops mid-rant to look at me, obviously noticing me staring at her before i can hide it.

"Who's the kid?" she asks. "I recognise the Third but not him." She says looking to Shinji, who just shyes away into the corner.

"Nice to see you too, Rits. His name is Jareth Vasquez. I found him with the Ikari kid."

"Well why isn't he at a shelter? this is a top secret militay instalation! We can't just have kids wandering in here, were not a daycare you know!" The blond states rather heatedly.

"I would have taken him, but delivering the third takes priority. Besides, hes not going to see anything that the world won't know about after today."

These two are talking like I'm not even here. It pisses me off. I have feelings you know? However messed up they may be.

After a short hike and a boat trip over what I first thought to be a giant pool of grapejuice, we come to a pitch black room. When the lights come on, I'm staring at a huge, purple, FACE. Now, not having expected such a thing I act accordingly.

"Ahhh!! Oh my god its barney!" I jump behind Misato and cower, before noticing the weird looks im getting from the bolde and misato herself, While Shinji seems intent on having a staring match with the purple face. I hear him speak, followed shortly by a much deeper voice talking back. I notice theres a viewindow above the purple head, with someone standing behind it. I come out from behind Misato and pretend nothing happaned. Ignore it, and it'll ignore you.

I look at the window and than back to Shinji. Theres alot of tension going betwen those two. I listen to them as they talk about piloting and shinji refuses. I'm still in a state of shock from the scare they gave me with the giant barney, but i manage to understand that the guy wants Shinji to pilot it, i figure its a robot. Shinji and the evil looking dude stare at eachother for a few seconds before the evil dude speaks again.

"That's unfortunate. Doctor Akagi, Prep Rei to pilot Unit-01."

"Can she in her condition?" questioned the now identified doctor.

"She's not dead."

"Yes Commander."

Who the hell is this guy? He's telling an injured girl to pilot this robot, and the only thing he can say is 'she's not dead'? This guy has issues. I can relate.

I hear a door open to my left to see two people wheeling in a third on a stretcher. She is wearing a skin tight white suit and is covered with bandages. Then I notice her blue hair. Instantly, i snap out of my barney induced shock.

An explosion knocks a few light fixtures form the ceiling. Seeing this I rush to the girls side, only to realize that the only thing I've managed is tripping over my own feet and once again, hitting the floor face first. There is a loud crash. I look up to see a purple hand covering the catwalk. Barney had knocked the falling lights off their corse and protected us. At once i feel my eyes watering. Whatever abuses he had done to me as a child were instantly forgiven. Again, i snap out of it once Shinji rishes past me and towards the girl. Damn. We barely met and hes already stealing my girl. I decide to do something about it, but once i try to get up imeasurable pain racks trough my leg. I look down, and see another piece of sharpnell lodged on it. Ah shit.

Few minutes later, the doctor removed the sharpnell and covered the cut with a bandaid. Now I'm pissed. I glare at the man in the window and at Shinji, choosing to adress the man in the window and plot my revenge against Shinji in secrecy.

"You $&# £§ €#$ €£ $£ $&# $& #$§£ $§£ $&# £§ €#$ €£ $£ $&# $& #$§£ $§£ $&# £§ €#$ €£ $£ $&# $& #$§£ $§£ $&# £§ €#$ €£ $£ $&# $& #$§£ $§£!" I have to catch my breath before continuing. "Your bitch ass was going to make her pilot? What kind of man are you?"

Ok, now I feel a little better, having let some steam off. Stil doesn't change the fact i need to beat Shinji and claim the girl as my own.

"There is no one else." was the bastards excuse.

"You $&#, then let me do it." Trust me if looks could kill, i would be a smoldering pile ash. The look he gave me sent shivers so far down my spine i could feel them in my toes. Freaky.

"It won't work"

"Try me." Score! if i can pilot this thing and beat that monster, than the girl will fall right into my arms. Hehe.

After a 30 second staring contest, the bastard was about to answer when Shinji cut in. "I'll do it! i'll pilot!" Damn that guy. Hes stealing all my action!

"Very well. Doctor Akagi prep Unit-01 for the Third." He says before walking away. I look around to see every one hurrying with the preperations. Damn i feel ignored.

Misato was the first to notice me standing there like a fool. "You should stand back."

"Oh, Ok." I answer, deflated.

The doctor takes whatever short time they have to fill tell Shinji what he needs to know about the basics. I'm listening in just in case. Misato leaves, leaving me behind. I shrug and follow the doctor when shes finishes telling Shinji what he needs to know. Unfortunately my leg slows me down and i end up loosing sight of her. Looking around i see nothing but the same greyish halls as everywhere else and realise something. I'm lost. In a fit of anger, i kick the wall next to me. Too bad i forgot that same leg had a nasty (tiny) gash on it.

"Sonova $&#!"

A/N: Well, i realise its poorly written but i did come up with this in like 30 minutes. i do, however, feel that it portrays what SHOULD have happaned. Hope you like it. It's probably gonna be flamed as much as the original, but i feel it was worth it, even if the author reports me for using his story as a basis. Its not a complete copy, more of an edit, so i don't know if it can still be removed because of that. oh well. Everyone read and revie while you can :P

P.S.-Sorry about all the $&# £§ €#$ €£ $£ $&# $& #$§£ $§£ thingies. Couldn't think of enough swear words to fill that in :P


	2. Note

Well, it seems like the original story this parody was based off was taken down by the author, so i am effectively also ending this parody. Hope you all enjoyed it while it lasted.

Maybe i'll upload some of my own original stories sometime later, after i've actualy finished them.

See ya than:P 


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